How To Turn Conflict With Your Teen Into a Calm Discussion: Tips From a Teen Therapist in Salt Lake City, UT
Negotiations around independence, boundaries, and responsibilities create the most conflict between teens and their parents. Developmentally, these negotiations are essential to their growing autonomy. Conflict is one manifestation of your teen’s internal struggle with striving to become an adult while still wanting the support given to them as a child. In other words, having conflict with your teen is a normal and important skill-building opportunity.
Sometimes, teens are ready for more independence than you are prepared to give. Other times they can not handle the level of independence they want, but demand it anyway.
A teen’s ability to follow through on their home and school responsibilities becomes the point of many arguments. This conflict is about their follow-through skills rooted in time management–which teens are just learning–their brain is actually growing this skill right now. Your family culture either supports the growth of those skills or undermines that skill-building by allowing them to skirt responsibilities or follow through.
If you can view these conflicts as being the result of your teen learning independence and responsibility, which is what they are supposed to be doing developmentally, you can avoid taking their actions personally.
Instead, you’ll be able to address their actions strategically, in a way that supports their development. Here are a few strategies to keep conflicts from escalating to yelling and door-slamming–at least most of the time.
Strategies From a Teen Therapist on Keeping Conflicts With Your Teen From Escalating
Recognize When a Conflict Has Begun
We often don’t realize we are engaged in a conflict until we find ourselves already yelling or stomping out of the room. The key to avoiding major fights with your teen is to see conflicts coming from a mile away. When the frustration is still manageable you can be strategic and supportive of the opportunity to guide their development. When people are already heated up it can be very difficult to change the direction of an argument. However, if you can spot an argument coming, you will have more control over whether it continues.
Ask yourself
Is there a time of day when my teen and I frequently argue? Is there a place where my teen and I frequently argue? Is there a topic that always ends in a fight no matter how hard I try not to get angry? How do I feel in my body when a fight begins to ramp up? Do I feel tense or scared, pump my fists, or raise my voice?
Answering these questions can help you recognize the beginning of a conflict. When you see it coming, you will have more control in directing the course of the conversation and hopefully succeed in preventing an explosive argument.
Body Check
The body check is the foundational skill of all conflict management. Try taking a moment a couple of times a day to stop and just notice how your body feels. Tense, calm, agitated, stressed, tired, sad, happy. Being able to notice and identify your ever-changing emotions will give you more control when confronted with the intense emotions of another person.
Before entering a difficult time of day with your teen do a body check. Just two seconds…. say “ How am I feeling?” to yourself then notice your body. Common difficult times can be transitions to school in the morning, coming home from work, and sitting down for dinner. After a difficult conversation with your teen, practice taking time out and just breathing quietly for a few moments. Then, observe how your body feels.
The more acutely aware you are of your own emotional fluctuations while in the company of your teenager, the more control you will have in managing your emotions and, by extension, the more success you will have in managing conflict with them.
Move Slowly……Very Slowly
Conflict tends to be a rapid-fire event with lots of yelling and talking over one another, and very little listening. Everyone’s heart rate speeds up when they are in a conflict. The body goes into fight or flight mode.
If you notice this rapid pace try to slow down the whole interaction by lowering your voice, slowing your response time to questions, and softening your body movements. Body language is over 75% of communication. A non-threatening stance will change the tone of the conversations. Your teen without realizing is likely to follow your lead. Have fun with this! Experiment with how your voice and body stance can shift a conversation.
Listen and Clarify
Once you have slowed things down, slow them down further by asking more questions and listening to your teen’s responses. Let your teen do the talking. Let them blow off any steam. The more you listen, the less they will feel combative with you.
Give yourself time to think about it
Sometimes a conflict can occur because of a belief that we must solve a problem right now. I highly recommend establishing that you have the right to take time to think about things before making a decision. Parenting a teen in this day and age is complicated and you will never be completely prepared for every situation that comes up.
Sometimes your teen will feel like an issue is such an emergency that they will want you to join them in their feeling of fear, and demand that you give them an answer or permission to do something right away.
As a parent, you might forget that you have a right to take time and think about things before responding or committing….. even if your teen thinks it’s ridiculous that you can’t give them an answer……“RIGHT NOW!” When you relieve yourself of this urgency, you will feel less pressure and will feel less combative with your teen. I recommend discussing the culture of urgency and alerting your teen to the fact that you value time to think and want them to bring things up so you have time to consider all the elements in the decision.
No Name Calling
No matter how bad it gets, don’t make it worse by calling your teen names, shaming them, or otherwise insinuating that they are being ridiculous. Every conflict you have with your teen is not just a short-term issue….you are practicing together in the moment skills in conflict resolution. If you call them a name, you are teaching them that name-calling is an acceptable “skill” in conflict management. Thus, you can count on your teen calling you a name in a conflict very soon.
Ask For A Break
If things get too heated you can ask for a break. Nothing productive ever came from two people yelling at each other. Calling for a break is a skill…when you call for a break you teach your teen that they can notice feeling overwhelmed too and ask for a break.
Talk about the need for breaks before you get into the next conflict. Establish it as a thing you both do because you care about each other and don’t want to hurt each other. Make a plan for when you will continue the conversation after the break.
Back to Body Check
The body check is the foundational skill of all conflict management. After a difficult conversation with your teen, practice taking time out and just breathing quietly for a few moments. Then, observe how your body feels. The more acutely aware you are of your own emotional fluctuations while in the company of your teenager, the more control you will have in managing your emotions and, by extension, the more success you will have in managing conflict with them.
If you would like to learn more about these steps or are seeking support in practicing them with your teen you can reach out to Josie Bohling, LMFT at Shade Tree Counseling for a parenting consultation session.
Find Support For Your Teen With The Help of Teen Counseling in Salt Lake City, UT
Is your teen struggling with conflicts, feeling overwhelmed, or experiencing emotional turmoil? It's time to take action and provide them with the support they need. Reach out to Shade Tree Counseling, where our teen counseling services today, where compassionate professionals are ready to help your teen navigate challenges, build resilience, and thrive. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if Teen Counseling is right for your child
Begin meeting with a skilled teen therapist
Start seeing your teen manage conflict in healthy ways!
Other Services Offered at Shade Tree Family Counseling
At Shade Tree Family Counseling, we want to provide support for the whole family. So in addition to helping your teen manage conflict with teen counseling, our team offers EMDR-Trauma Therapy for those struggling to overcome past trauma and want to begin healing, and Teen Group Therapy for teens looking for extra support from those their own age. For more about teen counseling check out our blog!