Beyond Active Listening: Hidden Barriers to Truly Connecting With Your Teen

Written by Christoffer Loderup, Therapist at Shade Tree Family Counseling
Credit to gordonmodel.com/home-roadblocks.php for “listening roadblocks”.

Teens crave a special kind of support: a safe haven where they can bounce ideas around and feel truly listened to. You might be familiar with active listening – explaining back a summary of what your teen says and how they feel. That’s a great start.

But, let's be honest, sometimes we have little habits that creep in that completely undermine the support we're trying to give. These hidden roadblocks can unintentionally push our teens away even when we’re trying to be helpful. Teen counseling can provide additional support and strategies to navigate these challenges effectively.

6 “Listening Landmines" To Watch Out For When Communicating With Your Teen

Here are 6 “Listening Landmines” to watch out for:

1. Ordering: Telling your teen what to do, even if you sugarcoat it as "help," can come across as not trusting them to handle things themselves. It basically says, "I don't think you can figure this out." Instead, try asking something like, "What ideas do you have to solve this problem?" or "Why do you think they might be mad?" This puts the ball in their court and fosters independence.

2. Threatening: Similar to ordering, veiled threats can quickly shift the focus from processing emotions to worrying about you. Instead of saying, "If you keep these grades up, you lose your phone," try showing concern and asking open-ended questions like, "What's going on at school lately that might be affecting your grades?". Though it may be true that their phone will be taken away if their grades continue to struggle, you can share that rule with them at a different time. For teens being threatened while being listened to invalidates the listening.

3. Moralizing: Teens are on a journey to discover their own values, not just adopt yours. Resist the urge to lecture or say things like, "You really should do the right thing here." Instead, encourage exploration to help them make their own decisions. You might say, “What do you think is the right thing to do?” You still can teach your teen moral values, but separating those teaching moments from listening to your teen can help them feel you respect their autonomy to choose for themselves. Remember, learning from their choices, even the tough ones, can be more valuable than a lecture.

4. Advising: While you might be bursting with solutions, unsolicited advice can often feel dismissive and prevent teens from working through their challenges independently. Often, they just need a listening ear to navigate their emotions and tap into their own problem-solving skills. However, if you've exhausted other approaches and your teen specifically asks for your advice, that's your golden opportunity to offer it.

5. Using Logic: When emotions are high, the logical part of the brain takes a backseat. This explains why logic-based arguments often go in one ear and out the other. Instead, focus on active listening: acknowledge their feelings and summarize what they’re telling you to create a safe space for them to process their emotions. Once they’re more regulated they’ll respond better to logical problem-solving.

6. Criticizing: Criticizing, even when you think it's constructive, can shut down communication and put your teen on the defensive. They're already taking a risk by opening up to you. If you find yourself needing to address a specific behavior, choose a different time and frame your approach constructively, avoiding personal attacks.

Remember

Truly listening is about creating a space where your teen feels heard, understood, and empowered to navigate their lives with confidence. By understanding and avoiding these listening landmines, you can build a stronger, more open relationship with your teenager.

If you’re struggling to connect with your teen, if you’re worried and they’re just not opening up, I’d be happy to help with teen counseling in Salt Lake City, UT! Contact me, teen therapist Christoffer at Shade Tree Counseling to set up a free consultation where we can discuss your concerns about your teen.

Connect With Your Teen With The Help of Teen Counseling in Salt Lake City, UT

Are you struggling to connect with your teen and feeling frustrated by constant miscommunications? Discover effective strategies to break down barriers and foster a stronger relationship with your teenager through teen counseling. Take the first step towards a more harmonious home with the help of Shade Tree Counseling. Follow these three simple steps to get started:

1. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if Teen Counseling is right for your child

2. Begin meeting with a skilled and caring teen therapist

3. Start creating a stronger bond with your teen!

Other Services Offered at Shade Tree Family Counseling

At Shade Tree Family Counseling, we want to provide support for the whole family. So in addition to helping you and your teen connect in teen counseling, our team offers EMDR-Trauma Therapy for those struggling to overcome past trauma and want to begin healing, and Teen Group Therapy for teens looking for extra support from those their own age. For more about teen counseling check out our blog!